Rebellion Tripped Me Up

Sometimes I have to learn the hard way. Off and on for the last year and a half, I struggled with the addiction of talking to guys inappropriately. I thought, "There is nothing wrong with this. It's not against the law or anything like that." So it was okay in my eyes.

Fast forward to now. I just got in trouble with my school for my actions that took place almost two (2) weeks ago. First, my school is real boring and I wanted to have some fun. Second, I wanted to rebel against God and do what I wanted, not counting the cost of what my actions might bring.

So I lived in the moment. I  got caught up in feeling good. That was the extent of my thought process.

I can't rebel against God. It never works out the way I want it to. I struggle with issues until I get caught. Then I stop. I'm reformed.

Rebellion is not the answer for me.

I have to obey God.

That is the true way to lasting and abundant life.

All for His glory + Always <3

Prisons

I love when I have revelations in my life. A moment where I say to myself, "Whoa! This is profound." And then I begin a journey that changes my life.

A couple days ago I was consumed with all this guilt, shame, and brokenness. It was almost unbearable and unimaginable.  

Then my thoughts drifted back to what I learned at Summit. Jesus came to absorb my pain. I can choose to stop feeling that way. I can choose to say, "This pain has no place in my life because all the pain of the world Jesus took upon Himself. I never have to live in it."

Then God removed it from my life. Now all I feel is freedom.

Another profound truth I learned tonight is how much control I let others have over me. Some people in my life over the years have influenced me way too much. Letting people control how and what I feel is a prison that I need to be set free from desperately.

I confess I don't know what this means for my life. But I know one thing: only good can come of this new realization about my life.

Always <3

All for HIS glory

Broken

I am broken.

I feel angry, ashamed, frustrated, used, guilty and a million others that I can't even express in words.

I sought out a cheap thrill. That is all it was. I didn't want a relationship.

Honest.

Now I'm paying for it.

Right now life seems hopeless. I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one to come and rescue me from all the pain I feel.

I sought instant gratification as a way to deal with pain that I experienced at my home church in high school. All I saw was judgment. That is why I don't let people in. If I keep them far, then they can't hurt me and I can't hurt them.

One thing I know perfectly: I'm in a really bad place and only God can bring me out of it.

All for HIS glory + always <3

Perfectly Blind

At the beginning of my Junior year at IWU it seems as though I continued to fall spiritually. Things are going great then I trip up and fall and then work  to get back to the strength I was.

Through struggles, hardships, and temptations, I have learned that just because I am a Christian doesn't mean I am immune to what lies outside of the IWU "bubble" where I used to have a perspective that everything is "bad" and sinful. I know that is no longer true.

Also I used to be blind to the world around me. I used to view it as a perfect world where everyone is good and no harm or pain could come to me in the same way as a non Christian.

I was perfectly blind.

Because of a recent situation, I see the world from the outside. I know the pain, hurt,  and ,temptation, of those who don't share the same faith I do. I want to reach out to them in their pain and love them for who they are, not how I think they should be.

I believe that is God's love showing through:

God loves humanity for who we are and not how we should be.

If He did, humanity would lose before they even had a chance.

I am definitely humanized.

That also humbles beyond anything I have experienced.

Every day offers new experiences for me to love people who may not be like me. And that is a beautiful thing.

Always <3

All for HIS glory

Forgiven + Humanized

I love attending a Christian university like IWU. I really do.

But sometimes I feel as though there are some students who are waiting for others to make a wrong and/or bad decision just so they can pass judgment.

Yes, I made a bad decision. I confess I got caught up in a moment.

That doesn't change anything about the love God has for me.

I know despite what I did, God still loves me and will redeem the situation.

Through this situation, I am already learning that I am forgiven. It goes a step further. I am humanized. I know I'm not perfect.

That's why I have Jesus. He can transform my imperfections and weaknesses that will bring me closer to Him.

I'm also humbled. No longer can I walk around thinking, "I'm better than you because I didn't make that decision."

I treasure the thought that I'm humanized. I can relate to so many people now.

All for HIS glory

Always <3

Numb

Everything in life, every experience is meant to teach me something about life, about spirituality, about God.

And right now, I don't feel anything. An innocent action turned into something I can never take back. I want to say I feel pain. Guilt. Shame. Brokenness.

At least one thing that will allow me to step back into spiritual healing.

Instead I feel absolutely nothing. I'm numb.

And that is the worst feeling to have. I don't know how long this numbness will last.

Right now I feel as messed up as the rest of the world (yeah, I know, that's dramatic.)

About a week and a half ago, I was doing amazing spiritually, now I've hit a new level of bottom I never thought I would reach.

This is going to be a hard journey.

All for HIS glory

Always <3

Sometimes Life Just Happens

One minute I'm doing amazing spiritually, then the next I'm completely messed up. :-(

Some things I can't plan for. Sometimes life kind of just happens.

Also I have a lot of respect for those of the Christian faith who stay strong throughout their lives when I keep falling.

Things are going awesome in my life with God, then I fall.

I don't understand. I want to stand and not fall.

Always <3

All for His glory